Do I dare to eat a peach?

Good afternoon, friends & fans,

I read this question somewhere and it caused me to reflect on one of the most important factors of my life: food. When, what, how, where and why food is served to me daily are matters for due consideration and many grave aspects of my life depend on the answers to those (almost) overwhelming questions. I will answer some of those questions below (and I will ask others). I hope you will write to Mama and Papa with suggestions for some sorely needed improvements. (use the comments section below)

When & What: generally I'm served an early morning hor d'oeuvre, followed by a breakfast of high end dog food at 8:30AM. There follows a dry spell until mid-morning at which time I share Mama's tinned salmon, humus and olive sandwich. Mid day crunchy snacks are occasionally served up but I can count on an ample early, i.e. 3PM, supper (yet again the prepared high end, if dry, dog food).

Once Papa returns from wherever he spends his day, the menu improves markedly. I share at least a morsel of each item on his dinner plate and also any of his later evening snacks. As well, tempting doggie cocktails & treats are generously profferred -- as they say, it's always 5 o'clock somewhere. [Doubtless it's Papa's contributions to my daily diet are doubtless what have prevented many of the diseases associated with insufficient caloric intake.]

How: one ceramic bowl and one plastic water bowl --albeit with pink scull & cross bones around the side. (and yet, there should be time to "lift and drop a question on [my]... plate.... before the taking of a toast and tea"...)

Where: I'm served in my own dining area (it can hardly be called a room), no table (therefore no table cloth), no chair, no candle sticks, no center piece (no--- you fill in the blanks).

Why: this is the most difficult question to answer since it encompasses so many aspects. I will name only four.

1) Why am I segregated from the dining table with its aura of deluxe?
2) Why don't I have full table service, chinaware, sterling silver, crystal goblets, linen napkins, lace doilies on a damask table cloth, etc., in other words the niceties of dining, those aspects that create pleasure out of need?
3) Why do I not receive a menu to be approved daily?
4) and finally, why am I not served on demand? (after which I'd have time to "wear white flannels and walk upon the beach...." instead of the dull routine: get up, eat, rest, eat, rest, eat dinner, snack, bed)

I hope you will give weighty consideration to my situation. (I have omitted some of the more objectionable problems, in favor of try to address those that seem more likely to, in fact, be solved.)

Please help me send a message and sing with me The Love Song of Mercury Murphy Roushanzamir.

Dear Santa,

Dearest, darling Santa,

It's that time of the year, old friend. We've seen many Christmases, cheered them on their way with hot chocolate, sugar cookies, figs & dates, and beautiful gifts.

Anyway, here's my Christmas List, filled with all the things I most want to find outside the door of my loft on Christmas Day.

Rest assured, I've been a good (not bad) doggie, nice, not naughty, very little crying or pouting, and so forth. You know this since you see me when I'm sleeping and when I'm awake. I'm just reiterating the obvious just in case you've been distracted.

This list enumerates my Christmas gift wishes but I'd also like to hear from you. What present do you want? If you tell me, I'll do my very best to get it for you.

Mercury's Christmas List:

New home decor, preferably red
A doggie cam
Several small squeaky balls in assorted colors
7 chewy bones and a bag of greenies, large size
A pail full of doggy treats (big)
1 designer (Diamond) collar, pink or red
A TV of my very own
An Iphone 5 with ear buds
Please wrap it all with shiny crinkly Christmas wrapping paper and inside, wrap each gift in gold or silver tissue paper

As for Papa:

A black Mercedes, the E series
5 pair of comically colored socks
A British Air ticket to London (special deal with hotel included)
Also, a Chunnel ticket to Paris
A designer leather belt

Mama's list:

A 10ct diamond, Emerald cut, set in Platinum (she asked for it last year too)
Designer shoes with studs on them
A British Air ticket to London (special deal with hotel included)
Also, a Chunnel ticket to Paris
A large size silver bowl filled with caviar

Papa and Maman have been good enough this year to warrant the fulfillment of their wishes. They have taken good care of me (save that 1 time when they "inadvertently" locked me out of the house), they feed me lots of cheese, meat and ice cream, they take me on daily walks and weekends to the intramural fields where against all rules Papa lets me off my leash.

In sum, dear Santa, please visit us on Christmas Eve. You may come down the chimney but I'll also leave the side door open. If you want a gift from me, please write and let me know what you'd prefer. I can only buy you 1 gift because any more would be too difficult to carry home.

I love you more than words can express, my dear darling best friends, Santa.

--Mercury Murphy Roushanzamir

Dear Santa, 2011

Dear Darling Santa,

Thank you for bringing me some presents, some of which I like. You are the kindest, nicest man ever and I count you as my very best friend. It's wonderful that you take the time to visit me each year but I know that you see me when I'm sleeping and know when I'm awake 24/7.



To summarize: I did not get the Hide 'em and Find 'em plush toy with several small blue balls. On the other hand, I'm grateful for the antler chew toy and the long-needed china food bowl. I received a vintage reindeer toy but clearly that was for Maman. The candy cane chew toy's okay; it's not real candy. I was especially hoping for the I'm Beggin' Ya Treat Box (big size). But although that didn't materialize, I'm rather relieved not to have received a Burberry sweater (or for that matter any sweater).

[May I say, dear Santa, in all honesty that when it comes to the gifts, I was hoping for more?]

As for Maman and Papa, their gift experience was also mixed: no Mercedes, no 10ct. emerald cut, set in platinum diamond ring. Papa opened package after package of clothing. But he also found a Doctor Who hologram chamber and a special "Brown Betty" tea pot under the (rosemary) table top tree. And his loot included a Smiley's People DVD. Maman's hopes for Co Co Chanel perfume were rewarded. On the other hand, she has already returned her new warm winter coat. They both did receive thick warm socks.

We shared Christmas dinner with Pam, Sophie and Lily and that was wonderful. Great drink, food and conversation! Their tree was spectacular, the girls and Pam are beautiful, and everyone treated me as an honored guest. They appreciated the gifts I brought them--a cornucopia of fancy makeup, tough-cool black leather gloves for Pam, and $50 cash for each of the girls.

I have used my time this holiday season constructively. I've paid special attention to perfecting the combo winsome-wistful sideways Glance. I've steadily improved and at present the Glance is liberally rewarded with holiday treats, those reserved for doggies and those intended for strictly human consumption.

So, Santa, although I have some reservations, Christmas has been a happy holiday. I hope your Christmas was the best ever, that you in your turn received desired gifts and tasty treats, and that now you take a well deserved rest basking in the knowledge of a job well done.

I love you Santa, very very much. I hope you love me too.

The Gift

Marcel Mauss wrote The Gift, considered a classic among anthropological works, in which he studied the relation between forms of exchange and social structure. While I cannot hope to attain such privileged status, here I consider the exchange of Treats.

It's a generalization to claim that Treats are considered amongst dogs as one of the greatest items of desire. A treat is an unexpected (if longed-for) joy. When offered by Maman et Papa, I accept it in the spirit with which it is offered: love & the wish to please.

The exchange of pleasure that a Treat signifies is illustrated by the photo accompanying my entry. And, to be quite honest, the photo also illustrates a departure from Mauss' thesis. For in my life--as in the picture--, Maman et Papa offer me many Treats & I do not reciprocate. However, in the last instance, I give to my Maman et Papa a total & unconditional love, one that surpasses even the exchange of doggie Treats.