Dear Santa (final chance)

Dear, darling, Santa!

A quick reminder that I've been good all year (don't count the times when an irresistible impulse may have briefly led me astray) and am therefore anxiously awaiting a resumption of the good fellow feelings--and gift-giving--that we shared in previously years (overlooking last year).

Here is my updated list (see previous post):

---Personalized Snowman Cookie tin full of treats--- the Large Size

---2 Holiday Fab-Balls bounce for joy! (1, Santa; 1, Snowman)

---A black skull & crossbones water bowl (please replace the pink scull & crossbones bowl; it really doesn't sent a coherent message)

---A green, white and red round chew bone

---An infinity scarf (unless you've already gotten me the ultrasoft alpaca hat in which case I'll take that)

---A Swiss music box

---And, if possible an iPhone 6s, a flat screen TV of my very own, or an iPad mini (newest)-- your choice of the three

In return, I promise to leave a hand-crafted mug brimming with the best milk (do you care for a dash of rum?), lots of home-baked cookies and your very own fruit cake to take home.

As always, darling Santa, I love you with all my heart.

Very sincerely yours, Mercury Murphy Roushanzamir

P.S. I love you Santa

Christmas Planning Earlier & even Earlier

Dearest Santa, my friend,

Last year you visited other boys and girls, dropping a bit of what might be called junk down my chimney. You didn't even stop off for milk and cookies.

However, what's past is past and I'm willing to let bygones be bygones.

To help you prepare for This Year, I'm creating a preliminary list, What I Want for Christmas:

Your Choice:

--Treats, the large size

   a Personalized Snowman Cookie tin OR
   a Personalized Santa Belly Gourmet Cookie Box OR
   a Santa's sleigh filled with treats

--an Ultrasoft Alpaca Hat OR and infinity scarf

--a Fleece to waterproof reversible argyle jacket

--Holiday Fab-Balls bounce for joy! (prefer the Santa but the reindeer or snowman are acceptable)

--a skull & crossbones food bowl

--finally, and if at all possible, I still wish for an iPhone (6s) and a flat screen TV of my very own or an iPad mini (newest)

We had our differences in this past year but let's put that behind us. Our friendship is too long-term to allow one year's omissions to end it.

I promise to leave the best cookies plus some fruit cake (you & I know it's NOT a JOKE) and a hot beverage of your choice.

In the meantime, I hope you're well. Were your post-Christmas months relaxing?

Thinking of you as always, darling Santa, I remain your best friend in the whole wide universe (not just the galaxy & certainly not just the solar system),

Mercury Murphy Roushanzamir

PS: I will write you again to remind you of my requests and to add lists for Mama et Papa who have been ever so good all year long.

DSSL/UDSL - Languages and their Implications

What, my friends, you may ask are DSSL/UDSL?

UDSL stands for Universal Doggie Sign Language, and consists of the many signs and signals that pass between humans and dogs in their ongoing efforts to establish rapport.

For example, when a human pats the empty seat on the couch next to them, it means the dog should jump up and sit there. There's the pointy finger by which humans suggest we should fetch something-- their paper, slippers, whatnot. There's the flat palm, parallel to the floor: they want us to lie down. Or the perpendicular palm: sit-stay.

The problem with UDSL is that it was developed and refined by humans. It depends on the hand & opposable thumb. Humans have long assumed that dogs accept the universality of the language (hence their common name for it: UDSL), perhaps because in the early days of human-dog co-mingling, a few dogs formed a committee from which a recommendation was put forth and approved appear to accept UDSL as an authentic dog to human language.

Is it devastating, sad, pathetic, or perhaps the height of hubris, that in their need (or desire) to communicate, humans developed UDSL  with very little recognition that conversation is the essence of communication---and that the human hand and doggie paw are skeletally quite different.

DSSL, Doggie Specific Sign Language, was developed by dogs for dogs over 5,000 years ago and while not as well known among humans,  engages movements that humans and dogs can make equally well (and it certainly works far better for promoting a doggie agenda). It is dogs' preferred mode of communication among ourselves and with other species.

DSSL consists of subtle movements such as: the stare, the hard sit, cocked head, raised posterior, etc. These motions, fluid yet distinctive, serve dogs far better than UDSL serves either human or dog. UDSL, based as it is on flawed cultural assumptions engenders compliance and limits true communication. DSSL having emerged organically over the centuries, stimulates dialog, mutual respect and understanding.

Here, for example, the plaintive glance. I was longing for a crunchy treat, Mama responded with a crunchy treat. I'm sure if the situation had been slightly different,  if for example, Mama gave the plaintive glance, I would in turn have given her a crunchy treat.

Recently, there have emerged a few scholarly ethnologies of  DSSL/UDSL. I myself have penned a brief monograph on the subject:

See Roushanzamir, Mercury Murphy. The Elementary Structures of UDSL/DSSL and their implications for war and peace. 2014, Boston, Mass: CanineText.

My checkered future

Friends and Comrades,

It has long been agreed that Sundays weigh heavily upon the populace; this has been documented throughout the centuries  in memoirs, novels and short stories, news reports, scientific studies and etc.

Sundays with Mama et Papa are no exception.

This past week I decided to take matters into my paws by suggesting an innovation and a return to the pastimes of pre-21st century-- a non electronic, non digital, strictly analog board game.

I selected checkers. First challenge: to find a checkers board; a glass trivet. Next, checkers pieces. Quarters and pennies.

Finally: learn the rules.

For that last, I consulted Mama who had been known as a Checkers Champion in her youth. Slowly, carefully I elicited the complex intricacies of the game, direction of moves, jumps and the ever important, "King Me."

My first challenger, Papa. Perhaps, my friends and comrades, you will not be surprised that I soundly trumped him.  My double jumps, keen appreciation for the necessity of both strong offense and defense, and finally my crowning achievement, racking up the Kings, led me to victory time and time again.

Realizing that it might be time to reap some winnings, I cautiously suggested a little wager. What a fantastic idea! Here you see me dressed in a tux, ready for the evening out on the town that I was able to pay for thanks to my checkers prowess.

Sundays will never be the same.

Perhaps you'd like to play a little game and place a little wager? Let me know in the comments section below.

As ever, your loyal and strategically-thinking pal, Mercury

Do I dare to eat a peach?

Good afternoon, friends & fans,

I read this question somewhere and it caused me to reflect on one of the most important factors of my life: food. When, what, how, where and why food is served to me daily are matters for due consideration and many grave aspects of my life depend on the answers to those (almost) overwhelming questions. I will answer some of those questions below (and I will ask others). I hope you will write to Mama and Papa with suggestions for some sorely needed improvements. (use the comments section below)

When & What: generally I'm served an early morning hor d'oeuvre, followed by a breakfast of high end dog food at 8:30AM. There follows a dry spell until mid-morning at which time I share Mama's tinned salmon, humus and olive sandwich. Mid day crunchy snacks are occasionally served up but I can count on an ample early, i.e. 3PM, supper (yet again the prepared high end, if dry, dog food).

Once Papa returns from wherever he spends his day, the menu improves markedly. I share at least a morsel of each item on his dinner plate and also any of his later evening snacks. As well, tempting doggie cocktails & treats are generously profferred -- as they say, it's always 5 o'clock somewhere. [Doubtless it's Papa's contributions to my daily diet are doubtless what have prevented many of the diseases associated with insufficient caloric intake.]

How: one ceramic bowl and one plastic water bowl --albeit with pink scull & cross bones around the side. (and yet, there should be time to "lift and drop a question on [my]... plate.... before the taking of a toast and tea"...)

Where: I'm served in my own dining area (it can hardly be called a room), no table (therefore no table cloth), no chair, no candle sticks, no center piece (no--- you fill in the blanks).

Why: this is the most difficult question to answer since it encompasses so many aspects. I will name only four.

1) Why am I segregated from the dining table with its aura of deluxe?
2) Why don't I have full table service, chinaware, sterling silver, crystal goblets, linen napkins, lace doilies on a damask table cloth, etc., in other words the niceties of dining, those aspects that create pleasure out of need?
3) Why do I not receive a menu to be approved daily?
4) and finally, why am I not served on demand? (after which I'd have time to "wear white flannels and walk upon the beach...." instead of the dull routine: get up, eat, rest, eat, rest, eat dinner, snack, bed)

I hope you will give weighty consideration to my situation. (I have omitted some of the more objectionable problems, in favor of try to address those that seem more likely to, in fact, be solved.)

Please help me send a message and sing with me The Love Song of Mercury Murphy Roushanzamir.

Friends and Cars

My dear and faithful fans,

If you read my previous entry, you'll know why it has been so long since I've put pen to paper (paws to keyboard). Yes, I was truly shocked that my pal Santa (my best pal, or so I thought) treated me dismissively (if not snubbed me altogether). However, we've passed the turning point, Santa has another chance to demonstrate his devotion, 5 months (and counting).

So, on to other matters.

Driving lessons were on my summer agenda. After years of total dependency in this car-dominated society, Papa agreed to teach me how to drive. And how absurdly simple it turned out to be; simply point and go.

Papa has promised to buy me a car of my very own! I've selected a Mini Cooper, the smallest size, preferably hunter green. And unlike Santa (pal that he has heretofore always been), I will get my car very shortly indeed-- certainly before University of Georgia--Athens classes start.

I can't say that Fall is in the air. To the contrary, hot and humid has been the story of the last 4 weeks and promises to by the sequel playing out over the next 4 weeks (and beyond?). But the start of university classes holds the promise of new comrades on the journey of knowledge pursuit. Who knows where that journey will lead. Please return soon.

As always, with gratitude for your readership. Please feel free to send your comments or questions. I promise to answer them all.

Your friend, Mercury Murphy Roushanzamir

Santa: review of Christmtas 2014

Dear Santa,

I can only imagine that you were so busy in 2014 that you didn't have time to read my Christmas letter (see previous post).

I'll refrain from recriminations.

After due consideration, I've decided to be Good This Year trusting that you will indeed see me when I'm sleeping and know when I'm awake. However, if Christmas 2015 is no more successful (from my point of view) than Christmas 2014, all bets are off. Not a threat, but certainly a promise.

So, hoping your Christmas was more rewarding than mine and, in light of our (previous) deep affection for each other, you remain my dearest pal, darling Santa.

Disappointed but affectionately yours, your friend Mercury